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A Gaming Pasta

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The Ritual

These are not so much instructions for a ritual but evidence in the form of a story left behind to show you never to do what this group of college kids did up in Niles Canyon.

I need to tell you, the reader, that there is a serious problem that needs to be acknowledged. The people who go looking for certain things do so by their own desires, sitting on the gold thrones of their hearts where everything happens to lead to their heads. It's an abomination of carefree additudes! They are unknowingly reaping their rewards for stepping too far. Can you understand their errors? Albeit you, the reader, have clues and still don't care. I don't know where the grain or bag of salt came from. It's just a saying. Wait, I'm getting off-topic. Okay. Anyway...

So the story goes that Niles Canyon is not a canyon full of beautiful cypresses, but of dark pasts and countless open portals. This is the place in Hayward, California where a group of 6 friends, having a week off of school, went to summon some random video game character. One of the guys brought a portable TV set that he traded a Mario 64 and Bomberman Hero game set for. Upon reaching the top of the canyon, they immediately got out of their cars and did what any cliche group in the middle of nowhere does.

This Is A Warning

They brought out a bong, some tissues, and a needle. 5 of them didn't know that the guy driving brought 6 pieces of fresh printer paper and toilet paper. For instructions in order to summon any cliche game character, there has to be a counterfeit sacrifice. You mindless people in the internet forums don't have discernment, you gleefully go where your curiosity takes you. You all say these things don't work or if they do, it isn't extreme enough. You are like this group! Poking at bears with sticks for play, saying you believe and invest in making good choices. Liars!

One of those boys, Pole, did such an act. "Did anyone bring the needle?", one of the girls asked Pole. His stomach quivered and rattled like a poorly-made house attacked by the wind at night, "Yeah, I did, but I have a better idea than just bringing this dude out. I brought a game system for my portable TV!" His friends were sweating with anticipation. They just wanted to get it over with, not knowing the dangers. The game system idea wasn't ideal to them, but their hapless bodies allowed them to agree. Pole set up his TV with the system. He plugged in the Odyssey, "There is this game I found! It's one of the first ever horror games!" No one wanted to hear but they were all cold and becoming increasingly scared. They didn't want to lose confidence. For them, it would be like a dish falling off a high dresser and breaking into china shards.

Pip asked Pole her question, "You mean that game that came out in like 1972? Shock Dark?" Pole felt his enthusiasm raise, never having known that she had a long sense of gaming history, "Yes! ...I'm pretty sure! Here's my idea guys: We're all going to slit our wrists with these sheets of printer paper I packed and then let the blood drip on the cartridge. Then we do the ritual to bring out not just the midnight man but his friends as well! Then Pip, you order them into the game and we'll turn it on and play it!"

Destruction of Dignity...

All of them, including the driver, had a lot to drink that night. A few of the guys were pumped with adrenaline, and their drunkenness helped ease the pain of the papercuts. After about 15 minutes, the cartridge and system were dotted in blood. Pole clicked the "On" button and proceeded to play the game. At first it looked like a normal game from that time period, but what happened next is what I am warning you about, reader.

A treeman appeared on the screen, heavily pixelated. Its odd voice removed most of the energy and courage from the 6 friends, especially as they heard it say, "Yippee! More tight assholes for me and the lads!" The freakout began, but at a slow pace. The kids wanted to jump into their van and pickup truck, but their strength was encumbered by their drunkenness. Just then, the screen cut out and the game system caught on fire. Everyone started screaming, but there was no escape. The treemen came out of the TV screen and jumped onto the skinny bodies of the kids. Some tried running home.

Pip fell to her knees and screamed at the sky as her anus was penetrated by a treeman's wooden apendage, any innocence she may have had left being completely shattered. Pole grabbed his pocket knife and tried to ward another treeman off, but his rectum was brutally violated as well.

When police and fire fighters arrived at the scene, the date was March-6-2009. The kids were strung out all over the ground, bawling their eyes out, their faces covered in tears, snot, and tree sap. The police gathered up the only piece of evidence they had: 1 random, badly written note on a piece of tree bark which was deciphered at the crime lab as saying...


"Don't drink and drive."


-The End-

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